just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he laminated a picture of his dick.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize