Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
