dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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