If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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