We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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