I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
