I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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