then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
