so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
