The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
