just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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