I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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