I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
