yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
