I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize