i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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