I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
