Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We smell like vodka and hangover
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