On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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