Just cropdusted the office
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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