youre lurking in front of me
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
