I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Randomize
