today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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