So drunk, too bad you don't want this
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
