Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize