Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
