So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
