Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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