I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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