You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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