I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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