He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
