I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
