i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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