Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
