I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You ate ashes out of my bong
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
