It's like God shit irony all over that family
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
