I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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