SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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