This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
