The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
