just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
