and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
