It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
