im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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