Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize