There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
