We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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