i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
