I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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