I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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