I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I forget how to act sober
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