you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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