I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
