I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
