so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
