tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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