If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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