I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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