Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
