today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize