He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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