At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize