I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
